WEARING OUT ITS WELCOME AND GOODBYE FOR NOW

This photo was taken on 9/4/24, almost seven months exactly from the day I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Terminal Colon Cancer at age 53, now 54. I have learned so much along the way; you can see it on my face.

It's been seven months now since the day I got my cancer diagnosis, and my life and the lives of those around me have forever been changed. For the better and for the worse. You see, the reality of cancer never goes away, and the sooner one can come to terms with it all and find their true purpose in life, no matter what the timespan, the better.

It's time to move on. Move on to not writing about cancer anymore, and move on to truly trying to live a normal life, or as normal as I can possibly live.

On Tuesday, I went to the doctor, and no matter how low my cancer CEA numbers get, she explained I'll still need to be on my meds for the rest of my life. Every three weeks and counting. I know, I know, I've heard this before, but deep down, I hoped. Of course, I did. Cancer never leaves. It's like a relative whose stay is just a bit too long, and they wear out their welcome. But, man, cancer wears out its welcome in ways you'd never have imagined. You get the drift. In my case, I'm happy for the time we had together through this blog and all that I've experienced (or learned), and now I'm ready to step back. I've written all my heart has on it to write about when it comes to my cancer journey.

So, back to my numbers. I'm now in the "normal" category at 4.2. Below 5 qualifies you for his. But, as my doctor said, with my type of cancer, there is still a "dusting" throughout my body, so I'll never truly be normal. Regardless, the below 5 is wonderful news as it buys me more time. More time to be with my husband, friends, family and Heidi, our dog. More time to play the piano, cook amazing dishes, entertain and study God's Word. I'm grateful beyond words. This is something that no one expected, and it allowed me to get my ostomy reversed, which makes life much better in and of itself. I also feel less pain as the tumors have shrunk significantly in my liver. You should have seen me five months ago. I needed a wheelchair to get to my treatments, unable to even walk as I hurt so bad. I realize just how incredible this all is.

But I'm tired. I feel exhausted from the surgeries... and the emotions... and the false hope. False hope? Boy, you sound quite negative, Diana. Well, today, and yesterday, and this whole week I have felt off. Sad. A bit hopeless, and more so, feeling like a fool getting caught up in the excitement of the numbers instead of facing the reality of it all. Miracles happen, they say. Yes, they do. I'm not saying it can't happen. Only God knows. But one's peace of mind has to revolve around the reality of it all, or you will get your hopes up only to have them come crashing down again as they did once again on Tuesday. It's only natural to hope. I don't fault myself.

I think it's best to stop sharing in this capacity, for now, at least.

I appreciate all of you who have followed my journey and cheered me on. And I certainly hope I gave those of you with cancer a feeling of not being alone in it all and an understanding that all of your feelings throughout your cancer journey are valid. And the caregivers for those going through cancer. Hopefully, I've given you a better idea of how to communicate with your loved one and a deeper glimpse of the magnitude of this type of diagnosis.

Stay strong in Christ, my friends who are going through cancer and those who are not. And thank you for all your love and support along the way. For now, I will be grateful for my "normal" status and just live my life every day. Hopefully, through meaningful relationships, I can still offer support to those in my position in a more in-person capacity.

And I hope you have enjoyed my recipes! I will be adding my most recent recipes back to my other longtime recipe blog, now renamed The Beauty of Flavor (as I am no longer in the Autumn of my life) plus possibly future recipes, as cooking will continue to be one of the joys in my life. So head on over there if you want more lighthearted content. And in the future, when my cancer starts to fight back and I get sicker, I might decide to write about it again here at that time as well. And if you need support or encouragement in the meantime, please feel free to reach out to me.

For now, I'm staying strong in Christ, and instead of focusing on the cancer, I'll be focusing even more on how God can use me during my time left here on Earth. And praying that I will feel better as the days go on so I have the energy to do these things. Please keep me in your prayers. Prayer really makes a significant difference. And I will pray for you if you make it known how I can.

I'm joyful that you've come along on this ride with me and forever grateful for your compassion, love, and understanding. Perhaps I'll be led to a new type of writing project in the future. I'm leaving it in God's hands. And relishing in a place of normality for the time being.

So, for now, it's a "see you later" instead of a "goodbye." Thank you all for reading.

Diana Claire