PINK SKIES IN THE FACE OF THE DARK VALLEYS OF TERMINAL CANCER

Heartbroken. Taken aback. Numb.

It's never a good thing when your Oncologist walks into the room with a sad face, puts his hand on your shoulder, asks if you are OK and says, "You saw the results?" And a side note, have I told you lately how much I appreciate all the doctors and nurses who have cared for me? Not once have I even considered getting a second opinion as I'm surrounded by the best of the best... not to mention they are so incredibly caring, especially my Oncologist.

Yesterday, I got what will be the second worst news in my life, a let's try one more thing before the final news that is sure to come sooner than later- there's nothing more they can do. Things change so quickly. Just like that, I'm off the medicine that has kept me alive for the last eight months, and it's on to something new. No postponing the change a bit more in case. No maybes. No false hope.

As I wrote in my last entry, my cancer is spreading and I now have a very large mass in my ovary, which means my cancer is mutating and the medicine is no longer working as it should. My liver is now covered in new tumors and my doctor felt it best to make changes to my treatment plan right away. Something more aggressive that combines immunotherapy and some chemo as well. Which means what is left of my hair will soon be gone. But, really, that's the least of my worries (thank goodness I love my wigs; I just have to figure out how to do the eyebrows.. ugh, I almost forgot about the eyebrows).

My new prognosis is less than good, that is, if it works at all, since, as we knew from the start, my cancer is very aggressive and not curable. There is a a 40% success rate with this new treatment (of even working), which I guess in the world of cancer treatments is a good thing. That alone makes me pause, but these treatments are only there to help extend life. And I keep telling myself that we have to live the most of every day and every minute, but there's that little thing called stress. And stress has a way of creeping into... well, everything.

But I started again today, mostly because I had to get up and drag the garbage out to the curb before the trash guys got here with their now obscenely early schedule. And sleep? Really? But, when I walked outside, a new peace washed over me as the entire sky was lit up with the brightest pink. Something I've never seen before in this way, but surely a special blessing from our Father.

A reminder from Him that He's here, He knows me, He loves me and He'll carry me. Just like He knows you, loves you and will carry you, even through our roughest storms.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." -Psalm 23.

So, today, I'm coming from a place of acceptance (or at least in the next few days after I get over the initial shock of it all), which, in my eyes, is a better place to be. Just as quickly as my current medicine was changed, in a future appointment I will also be told they're sorry, but that's all they can do.

For now, I will trust in Him and, more importantly, rest in His graces... and maybe take a nap and eat cheesecake! And I will pray for you and the difficulties that you are also facing in your lives.

No matter how sad or scary the future might seem, It is well with my soul.