DEALING WITH LIFE'S DISAPPOINTMENTS BIBLICALLY; LIVE LIKE HANNAH

The sun started setting over the trees as we drove the five hours back from Mom and Dad's house that Christmas. Like always, my husband had to be back at work the next day, barely even getting time off for the holiday. I'll never forget coming across the short story Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury in an old issue of Gourmet Magazine as my boredom level hit new highs. And I read it now for a second time, this time out loud to my husband. It reminded us of our summers growing up and all of our incredible adventures that helped shape us into who we are today. Naive and invincible, not truly knowing disappointment or the difficult struggles in life that would surely come down the line.

Approaching home, I felt an overwhelming excitement and I just couldn't stand the anticipation anymore. It was Christmas night and no stores were open except a CVS in our small, sleepy town. This couldn't wait until the morning.

I wandered the aisles and found what I hoped could finally make our lives complete with the right result: a pregnancy test. I walked up to the cashier and she beamed ear to ear, also knowing just how much the result of this test could change everything. No longer irritated that she was stuck working this holiday, but now sharing in my moment of hope with enthusiasm while she cheered me on, waving her hands about as she rang me up. I turned to go and she yelled, "Good luck to you!" as I practically skipped out of the store, holding up the box to show my husband as he nodded his head happily inside the car.

I was a week late, which is something I'd never been before. The excitement was mounting as I opened the front door, my hand shaking so much I could barely get the key to work. I ran to the bathroom and couldn't help but think it was finally meant to be. The minutes seemed like hours while I waited for the test. This time, I was really sure. The timer went off, and my heart immediately sank as I read that word once again to make sure: "negative."

Not only negative this go around, but negative forever. You see, this was not a late period but the start of my early menopause. My possibility of having a child was over.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18

Many of us experience disappointments of varying degrees in our lives, such as the loss of loved ones, sickness, financial hardship, and even the consequences of our bad choices. But what does God say about disappointment, and how can we remain hopeful and faithful during these often devastating times?

I love the story of Hannah in the Bible, and I can relate to her disappointment of not being able to have a child before God gave her Samuel. I can also relate to her feelings of emptiness and the fear that she, as a woman, was not enough. And in my case the question was also, "Will we make it through OK, just the two of us?"

Hannah initially kept her hardships to herself but then decided to let God in through fervent prayer, thanks to Eli's help pointing her back to God. And God blessed her with a child. It was a miracle after her "womb was closed." But the story doesn't end there. After God blessed Hannah with Samuel, He also kept her to her promise that she'd give him up, which was a great sacrifice of faith and trust.

Hannah struggled throughout, but it was all for good in the end. Just as our struggles may not make sense at the time, they are always part of God's plan.

I still don't understand why we weren't able to have kids, why I was adopted, why I'm facing terminal cancer and my husband a disability, but I've greatly grown in discernment along the way. And seen miracles that have occurred because of these things, especially when it comes to my husband's stroke.

My husband had a stroke about nine years ago, and it has gotten progressively worse over the years. This has been the most difficult thing for him because he loves to work. He is a hard worker, and he started working at 12 years old when his dad would drop him off at the fishing boats in Santa Barbara at 3 a.m. to help chum, clean fish and clean the boat. He learned early on what it was like to work hard, and he always had an incredible work ethic, even when it involved fish guts.

About four years ago, when he wasn't able to work anymore due to his left side not working well, he felt less than, kind of like how I felt not being able to be a mother. But, looking back, his inability to work was the biggest blessing I could have asked for. He was there for me during the hardest years when I was caring for my folks full-time while they both dealt with Alzheimer's Disease before their deaths. And he has been here for me each and every day, by my side, available to help me through every doctor's appointment, hospital visit, side-effect from treatments, and everything else that goes along with dealing with cancer since my diagnosis.

He has also been there for the good news, in real time... every time. Like when I opened my latest CEA test result a few hours ago and it read 5.2. 5.2? Down from 3800 just 4 months ago, and only .2 above what they call "normal" and essentially cancer-free. That is crazy. We both cried together and again, I fell to my knees in prayer and thanksgiving to God. Thank you, Lord, for your many blessings. I still don't know your plan, Lord, or the way my cancer journey will go, but I am committed to you and the path that you have for me.

We know our situation is unique as we face this all side-by-side every day. I couldn't have imagined doing this on my own, especially not having the support of kids through it all. But God used the hardship of my husband not being able to work to become a blessing to my parents and to me, and I am forever grateful.

God also used His perfect timing to reveal my cancer a year after my parents both passed so I could complete my goal of caring for them in their last years, plus a year of recovery from it all. This made me so much stronger and able to face cancer in a way that would have been so much more difficult if it were different timing.

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." -Ecclesiastes 3:1

So, what about the other disappointments? We might never know why things are happening or what God's plan is for it all, but by following His plan for our lives, even when times get tough, we can be assured. Assured that through Him, we will receive an inheritance, which is promised as eternal life in a resurrected body (Revelation 21).

I love the Bible verse Ephesians 1:11, which says, "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan."

As long as we unite with Christ and follow His plan for us, everything will work out as He intends it to, which is always for good.

I often marvel at the fact that God knew I'd be a caregiver for my folks even when I was in the womb. My husband and I could have gone down a different path, but we were confident that caregiving was the choice that He wanted us to make. We are grateful that we listened to His desires for us through reading His word, which offers so many of life's answers and always through fervent prayer, just like Hannah.

Because of our choice, God has blessed us. Does that mean life won't be difficult? No. If you've read any of my posts about my cancer journey, you'll see just what a struggle it has been and continues to be. But this is all temporary, and despite these struggles, as Christians, we still have work to do under God's guidance and His Word. And we still have a purpose, no matter what situation we're going through.

Life is not promised to be easy. And, just as Hannah did, I've found my greatest joy and contentment in my identity in Christ. God has met me there, even in my most difficult times. I've been reminded time and time again that He alone will never leave me or forsake me. And through His promise, I will enjoy the presence of God forever.

Perhaps even resembling those carefree summers of my youth, making my own "dandelion wine."

In this truth, my disappointment transcends to reassurance that God is in control. He has my back and I will be His child now and always, way beyond the short blink of an eye that we're here on this Earth.

"Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath"

-Psalm 39:4-7