CANCER IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD AND WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD
For those who know, you know. For those who don't know... cancer is a four-letter word. In other words, when you're around me, I'd prefer not to hear your stories or your "cures" when it comes to cancer.
Sure, it's a double standard since I can say cancer, as I'm telling you my story. But when you say it, it hurts. It hurts deeply. It brings up lots of feelings and can ruin a perfectly good get-together. Unfortunately, unless you've had cancer, you really won't know how it feels, even if you've read about it or know someone who has had it. And even then, we all experience it differently. This is what makes it all that much more difficult.
Since I've been diagnosed, everyone seems to have a cancer story, and they can't wait to tell me all about it.
I don't want to hear how your Aunt had terminal cancer... and died in six months. I don't want to hear about how your dog had cancer... and had to be put down. And I don't even want to hear how your friend had a rare stage 4 cancer and is still alive today, fifteen years later. It might be an encouragement to others, but it will likely not be my story, so it just reminds me of... having cancer.
*(Unless we're having a real discussion about you and your experience with cancer, because you know, in that case, I'll always be there for you.)
So, what should someone say to a person that has cancer? And what in the world can someone do when they find out a friend or loved one has cancer?
Acknowledge that you're very sad that the person has cancer. If you're local, say it in person; if you're not, please call. This is serious stuff, and you'll be glad you took the extra step, especially if it is a friend or family. If it's an acquaintance, an email or text should do, but everyone feels differently about it. Reach out. And please stop worrying about what to say. Be yourself and show your love and concern. It will always be the right thing if it comes from the heart. You'd be surprised how some of the people that (I thought) were closest to me haven't taken the time to reach out personally. They hear updates through the grapevine, but most of us feel that isn't enough. We want to hear from you, and when we don't, of course, it hurts. You might think, I'll do it tomorrow, but there might not be a tomorrow. Reach out today to help avoid regrets and to express your true feelings rather than assuming the person knows. We mostly don't. We can't read minds, and silence speaks volumes if we don't hear from you.
Ask if there is anything you can do for them. Bring them a meal. Sit with them once a week to read the Bible together. Find out what they like to do and see if you can spend an afternoon doing it, like sightseeing, shopping, eating out, crafting, movies, or walking your dogs together. The little things can make all the difference. And don't forget to think about the caregiver or spouse as well. I can confirm that being the caregiver was more difficult than being the patient when I took care of my parents and now being the patient. Spouses, especially, need extra love and support.
Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. I recently went to a play at our local playhouse and put on a mask. I turned to the lady next to me and said don't worry, I'm not contagious; I have to be careful due to my cancer. She asked me questions about it and showed true concern about me and my treatment. Not everyone will want to talk about it, but ask them. Say, "How are you feeling," and "How are the treatments going, if you want to share." This can be so helpful for patients, and it not only allows them to vent but it also goes a long way in establishing a real relationship.
Don't ignore the subject. I have people in my life who haven't even asked me how I am. They tip-toe around it all and say, "I'm thinking of you," and act like it's a regular day, not even bringing it up. Sure, we don't expect to be coddled each visit or even want it, as normalcy can be a good thing. However, the first time you talk to a person with cancer, please make it count. Then they'll know your feelings and you can move forward. I'll never forget that same lady at the play who turned to me and looked me dead in the eyes after a few minutes of chatting and said, "Are you really OK?" Sure, I cried a bit, and sure, it was a hard thing to answer, but boy, did it show her genuine care and concern for me... and she was a stranger. A stranger that I'll never forget.
Don't forget about us. As a caregiver and now a patient, I've seen time and time again that people do really nice things for you when you're diagnosed, and then it all slips away, and they get back to their "normal" life. This is totally fine, and we get it. However, this is our life. Every day. We don't get a break. We are constantly in treatment, recovering from treatment, stressing over the results from the treatment, and just trying to get through it all. Every. Single. Day. One idea is to set a note on your calendar to reach out for a quick text conversation, even once every few weeks or each month, to say you're thinking of them. It takes 5 minutes, but the impact is vast and stays with the patient for quite some time.
And for those of us with cancer, don't let your relationships become one-sided. For the people who reach out to you and do lovely things to help you through your journey, make sure you also give back to them—a small gift or a handwritten card. Invite them over for a charcuterie board (no cooking required) and some iced tea. Let them know how special they are to you, and your relationship will grow even more—that is what it is all about!
Cancer is hard. There are no easy answers, and I feel confident that most people have good intentions. I have felt regret in the past; hopefully, some of these tips will help shield you from regret. Honesty, especially when it comes to communicating about cancer, can make such a big difference. I admit to feeling let down by some of the people in my life these days (which I'm learning is more and more common, hence the idea for this post), and it hurts. I'm not saying all this to blame anyone, but perhaps to open eyes and give tips on ways all can move gracefully through these difficult situations... together.
Some of the best relationships come when patients and friends let down their guard, to be honest about it all and support each other. These experiences will greatly bless your life. You can reflect on them and cherish the things that helped you grow and learn, making your life that much more impactful. Even if you haven't had cancer, you can make a massive difference in the life of someone who does have cancer.
So, thank you to my near and dear; you know who you are, and there are so many of you. From friends I've known for years and cherish to new neighbors that I love getting to know better. There are even the women (and men) at the grocery store that I only know by their nametag, but they still make a point of hugging me each time I come in and ask me how I'm doing. You are the support group that gets excited for me and also grieves with me in hard times. It means so much. I am grateful and in awe of you all. I see you, and I know you see me, and when God says I'm ready to go to my Heavenly reward, these are the times I will think of, for they have meant everything to me and Mike.
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